[sticky entry] Sticky: Welcome!

Jan. 19th, 2013 12:18 am
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banner made by[personal profile] ketsudan

Hi, welcome to my journal! Although most of my entries are related to real life, it also has fandom-related ones once in a while. If you want to read more about me, click the cut below.

Want to join for a cup of tea? :) )

And if you feel like talking, just drop a comment. :)
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
That time of the year when I feel unmotivated. It's back.
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 Hi there! Wow, I've just checked my entries and the last post was over 4 months ago. Time sure flies! It's just that I've been very busy with life and I'm more around tumblr these days.
But well, nevermind it. I want to tell an experience that I've had yesterday. Idk if it's coincidence, but today ends another period of Mercury Retrograde and I've felt an emotion I haven't felt for almost 2 years. I thought of him, my old crush, and it was like, all the bad feelings came back. Yeah, you read correctly, bad ones, not good ones. The hurt, the rejection, everything came back. And you know what's worse? I've got to know another guy who has the same name as him and has a few resemblances, and whenever I meet him, I can't talk with him, I can't even make eye contact with him. And I wondered what was wrong. Now I realize what was wrong. I was associating the two guys, even though they have little to nothing in common (well, aside from the name and maybe their heights). I mean, I feel nothing for the current guy, but it was like I was always pissed at him, you know, as if...I was seeing the past guy instead, but feeling hurt inside. Anyway, Idk what to do from here on. Perhaps it's time to elaborate this for good and let ghosts from the past go. 
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 That thing of Mercury retrograde is almost ending. And I must confess it really has an impact. Not that I didn't get nostalgic and think about past stuffs before...But this time, I did revisited some fandoms and realized that I have some unresolved feelings regarding them. In order to solve them, I'm gonna write letters to my former favorites, even if they won't read this. It's more like a way of closing a cycle and saying things I've wanted to say long time ago and that still bother me. So, the next posts will consist most of these letters!
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I've realized these days that Tumblr was not made for commenting and discuting about fandoms. It's all about gifs, edits, who gets more followers, who stands out more, and if you don't have a fancy username, don't post edits, then you're a nobody and chances are you gonna be ignored or hated. It's way worse than the first time I made an account there. For instance, in the football fandom, the team I support is currently facing a crisis as it sits on the last place of the table and is on the verge of relegation. It's so clear the reasons that made them get to that, like, how the games are poorly played, but I can't state my opinion there. If I do, then "I'm not a true fan". What, really? I'm not even free to express my point of view in my own blog? People ignore me when I try to interact with them and when I disagree with something there sudden appear negative comments. I don't even feel like being around there anymore, I'm just sick of the "the team doesn't deserve to be criticized", it annoys me so much. Not to mention the "OMG THE PLAYER_______(inserts name) IS SO CUTE AND SEXY AND HOT! I'D F**** HIM ANYTIME" posts. Come on, are you on the football fandom because of the handsomeness of the players or the sports?

Maybe I'm getting too old to deal with this s**t. 

And yes, I really miss the times of Livejournal, the entries and the comments. The discussions regarding releases, or simply chats with people who shared common interests. 
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
 I don't believe these stuffs of planets making influence on people's lives, but this period of Mercury retrograde seems to make some sort of sense. It has been a few weeks since I've been remembering facts that happened to me, good and bad ones, at school, with friends I don't talk to for years, with my relatives. It's just weird. 
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
 Sometimes I feel like I've lost and haven't found myself. 


Jan. 1st, 2015 06:18 pm
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And here we are again. Those stuffs of looking behind at what was 2014 for me and also making new year resolutions. But idk why, I just don't feel like doing it. It seems that each year, I get more and more pessimistic regarding myself. And I think the depression is coming back. So, for now, I'm not gonna do it, okay? Maybe if I get better later I'll do it. 
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
I'm on a new fandom now: Borussia Dortmund, simply the most awesome football team in the world. However, they're currently not having a good phase and it's affecting me. Because, seriously, it's unbelievable. How come a team wins gloriously in a match for a specific tournament and loses miserably in recurring matches for another tournament? How come the same fucking team produces two extreme results? I can't understand it. And the worst of it, we, the fans, can't do anything about it but suffer while watching the matches. I kinda regret having chosen BVB...But now there is no coming back. I mean, I could've chosen Bayern, and I almost did, but after knowing all the shit this team had done (a.k.a buying players from rival teams in order to make them weaker), I couldn't support it. On the contrary, I simply despise Bayern. And I can't support another team (at least not another German club), not after getting to know more about the amazing BVB, the players, the coach, the fans...And you know, when I've decided that I wanted to be a Borussia Dortmund fan, I had the feeling that they'd have a great season and that they'd conquer many titles, even after two of their best players had moved to that despising club. And when I "have a feeling", most times I get to be correct. However, it may be that my intuition failed this time, and things are turning exactly the opposite: not only BVB is having a horrible season, they are on the verge of not classifying. It's simply disappointing. Idk what to do from here on about it. Maybe I should stay away from BVB for a while...At least until exams are over.
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I'm not so sure if I should be talking about Kanjani, because I haven't been really a fan of them lately, so idk if I could still call myself a fan, but hey, if I remembered that today was their national debut (plus Suba's b-day), then I still care about them, right? And I still remember mostly of their song lyrics...So I'm still an eighter, right?

It has been over 4 years already, thank you very much for making me smile (and I'm sure for making all the eighters smile too). For cheering me up in difficult moments. For being this unique group. For being yourselves. For making me ship hard all of you guys. I'm sure it means a lot to you guys celebrating this year, because it has been 10 years since Eito's national debut and also because you overcame so many things to come this far. I'm very proud to (somehow) be an eighter and follow your development (even though from afar). Please, keep being this awesome group for the next 10, 20, 30...infnitely!

Happy 10th National Debut Anniversary, Kanjani!

(Also, Happy Birthday, Subaru!)

kokoronohanashi: (Default)
Dear Self,

Why did we just make bad decisions this year? Why do we keep screwing up? Why denying our own happiness? I really, really can't understand. Because I hate suffering, I hate regretting, I hate this feeling of "I was happy and I didn't know." Or this one: "Wish I could turn back time and do it differently".

Now there is nothing we can do but give it our best again and do the right thing for our own sake. Even if things are tough now, even if everything seems to fall apart...Even if we're full of regrets. It's not time to look behind, but yes to keep our heads up and look ahead.

So, let's not give up. Let's keep going!

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If I could turn back time, I'd do everything differently. I'd not screw everything up like I did. I'd give my best. I'd be nice with everyone. I'd not walk away. But sadly, I can't do it. And now I'm regretting all my stupid decisions...
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É estranho, mas...Eu nunca consegui ficar em um fandom por muito tempo, pelo menos não em termos de participar ativamente de discussões com outros fãs, continuar apoiando o fandom e talz. Não que eu tenha deixado de gostar de séries e de artistas. Longe disso. Talvez eu já tenha dito isso, mas ainda continuo gostando de ouvir Kanjani8, V6 e todos os meus artistas favoritos de J-music, ainda continuo lendo Skip Beat, assistindo a Sailor Moon, acompanhando algumas séries de TV...A exceção foi Once Upon a Time, série cujo enredo decaiu muito e me decepcionou (sério, se o seu personagem favorito é cortado da série, pra que continuar acompanhando??), mas enfim, não quero mais falar sobre esse lixo chamado OUAT.

O que eu quero dizer é que, quando eu me interesso por um assunto, eu realmente me interesso e tenho vontade de me juntar ao fandom e de conversar com as pessoas e de conhecer tudo sobre esse assunto. Eu fico tão animada que realmente me aproximo do fandom, criando contas no tumblr, por exemplo, e seguindo os fãs para ficar por dentro de tudo e reblogar/curtir as postagens. O problema é que tal entusiasmo não dura muito tempo, e eu logo fico meio desanimada para manter o meu próprio blog, de modo que, após algum tempo, eu acabo fechando as contas. Por exemplo, eu já tive 2 contas no tumblr e apaguei-as após algum tempo. Primeiro, porque estavam inativas, segundo, porque eu simplesmente não tinha mais tanto interesse nos fandoms. E agora estou interessada em me juntar ao fandom do futebol, mas ao mesmo tempo tenho um certo receio de criar outra conta de tumblr pra daqui a algum tempo perder o interesse e deletá-la.
Sabe, se fosse para criar uma outra conta no tumblr, teria de ser não só para 1 fandom, mas para vários...e talvez até para reblogar paisagens, mensagens inspiradoras etc....Talvez até para torná-la mais pessoal e menos "fandom", sabe? E também porque daí eu não enjoo de um tema e passo a variar nos "rebloggings".

Enfim, não sei ainda...É um caso a se pensar.

I'm back...

Jul. 8th, 2014 01:21 pm
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I'm back...again! And I haven't been updated the Positive Optimistic Project because...I got tired of finding positive stuffs in my daily routine. You know what? Why do we need to be positive everytime? As if the world is all rainbows and butterfiles? As if I'm on cloud nine and there is nothing wrong or or nothing to worry about? Isn't it being deluded?

What I'm trying to say is that when I really feel that something good happened, then I'll tell it here! However, I won't ever try to find something that doesn't exist. It doesn't have to be an super-duper-fantastic-extraordinary fact, like...Winning lottery prize or meeting that idol you admire for years (facts that is less likely to happen to me by the way). It could be reading an amazing book, finding a song that totally relates to you, taking a photo of a landscape, watching a movie, idk...just little and ordinary stuffs, just as I had been doing here. It's just that lately, I haven't been doing much.

Anyway, I'll do my best to be realistic from now on! I mean, not pessimistic, nor optimistic...
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

OneRepublic - Stop and Stare
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 I need another story
Something to get off my chest
My life gets kind of boring
Need something that I can confess

OneRepublic - Secrets

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Positively Optimistic Project:

- Did an endoscopy to check up my stomach. I see it as a positive news because I've been feeling my stomach ache for a few months. Looking forward to the results!

- Did 1 hour of meditation yesterday and today, way more than 1 hour (didn't count). Wow, seems like a big progress! Let's keep going~

- World Cup started today and Brazil won in the first match (BrazilxCroatia)! Not particularly cheering for them, but still...It was a good news for us Brazilian, everyone was happy and partying. So, it's like, when everyone is happy, I also feel happy? not really, just sometimes
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 To the positively optimistic project:

-The other day, my parents gave me a cute pair of slippers that looks like cats. (That made me miss Mei)

-On Saturday, I cleaned my room.

-Yesterday, we celebrated Mom's birthday with a special lunch!

kokoronohanashi: (Default)
 Basically, I forgot to post here what good happened these days, so I'll resume in today's post.

- I didn't procrastinate.

- Finally made an important decision regarding my future. 

- Did 45 minutes of meditation.

In time!

Jun. 2nd, 2014 11:59 pm
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
 So, today:

-I woke up relatively early.

-I managed to finish errands on time.

-I could finish a game of Zen Master and access a new story. 


Jun. 1st, 2014 11:17 pm
kokoronohanashi: (Default)
I just realised it has been a month since the last time I'd updated. Didn't feel like talking about stuffs at all... or perhaps I didn't want to do those self-analysis I usually do here.

Anyway, I'm thinking of starting something new here...Everyday, to post three positive things about my day, as suggested by Dr. M. Seligman, the creator of Positive Psychology. It's aimed for pessimists people like me to begin to look at the positive side of their lives and, who knows, become more optimists. I don't guarantee an everyday post, but I'll do my best to do it regularly!

So, let's start with  today:

-I managed to do 20 minutes of meditation and I finished Relaxing Rhythms.

-I've made a career plan.

-I've eaten sata andagui, a 2000-year-recipe sweet that is awesome for cold days.

So, that's it. Simple, ordinary, but still, good things. Maybe that's a good start for me. :)

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